Life Lessons Updated

So in my post Life Lessons #1 I said;
"If your job insists on bringing in new temps who keep quitting and every one of them is wierd, don't assume the 7th temp of the week is going to be normal just because they finally appear that way. Within minutes they will continually talk to themself, poke their head with a magic marker, paint everything with white out, giggle, and laugh at the wall."
Temp #8 showed up and lasted long enough to say "Hi, I'm (insert name), I'm here to replace Temp #7." our response was "Cool, so I guess they told him we didn't need him anymore..." Temp #7 walks through the door and the look of confusion takes over. Temp #7 & #8 both dissapear by the end of the day.
Temp #9 turned out to be pretty cool, did a great job and we all hoped he wouldn't fall prey to the amazing disappearances. He was a little obsessed with Rap and Lowriders but fun none the less. He didn't show up the following Monday.
Temp#10 showed up monday, she was almost 6 feet tall and 9 months pregnant. By the end of her second day her water broke while going on a routine bathroom run.No more Temp #10
Today we have moved on to good ole Temp #11...I saw him for a total of 2 minutes this morning when he put his bag of crackers on his desk. I am convinced by his pale skin, invisibility and bald head that he is infact a ghost (not that being bald makes someone a ghost)
I wonder if we make it to a Temp #13 if they will infact be the devil.
7-1-05
9:30AM Temp #11 was at the desk next to mine for an hour or so today before I realized he was there. He shared his crackers with Rachelle. If Rachelle lives I will conclude that he is a friendly ghost.
4:00 PM Tempt #11 is making wierd unhuman like throaty noises...I am baffled as to what creature he truly is...poltergeist maybe? I'm scared....mommy.
7-5-05
Temp #11 knew my name this morning and sounded quite pleased with himself for saying it,of course I'm judging this by his glassed over "kid in a candy store" eyes...not sure what to think of that.
Temp #12 and possably the person who will be offered my job due to my soon to be postion switch is friendly and far from normal but her perfume shower she took this morning is giving me a headache so I can't think about any of this right now. I need an advil...or a sedative...check please I'm going home!

Disturbing Things

I have started compiling a list that I will add more to at a later date. These are mearly observations of disturbing things I notice in my day to day life;
1. Turning around to flush the toilet and seeing a gigantic dried up booger on the seat.
2. Going to the doctor who's going to stick his finger up your butt and having him turn out to be young, attractive and say "you look familiar."
3. Your gynocolgist telling you your breasts are mobile, your ovaries are small, and your boyfriend has a large penis, here's some cream.
4.Your Mom sporting a shirt that says "Orgasm Doner"


more to come when I think of them...as for now I'm feeling lazy. If I was to post what I really want to post today about some evil horrible people I've unfortunately met and wasted more time disliking them then they're worth, it would be a really long post. Maybe later, you have momentarily been spared.

Still waiting for surgery

I had another nightmare about my vein surgery last night. Only this time it happened at 4:30pm and I was awake. My phone rang, it was the receptionist, the doctor wants to talk to me, we have a small problem. I figure no big deal, they've probably overbooked and need to reschedule me...but why would I need to talk to the actual doctor? Turns out the $300 I was going to pay them was not because it was an "out of hospital fee" for my insurance which is what they had told me because I grimiced at the thought of my negative balanced bank account. Turns out they had been outright lying to me, they've been kicked out of the Blue Cross Health plan Network and according to them they got no notice about it before yesterday(which is illigal). After Arguing with the doctor and the bitch receptionist(most likely his wife) about the fact that they A.) lied about the fee because the $300 is the exact same amount as the 20% you pay when going out of network and B.) Why the hell would I pay them $300 when it's suppose to be covered 100% when in network. Gee let me think about that. Sure I'd love to hand you my money especially because you're lyers so there for you must be trust worthy. I did some of my own investigating and it turns out this doctor has several infractions, their ultrasound girl is quitting because they run a shady bussiness and the next doctor I'm going too knew exactly who I was talking about. Take note that this is the short version of what happened, they also did a few other things that weren't right...like the dried drop of blood on the stool I almost sat on and forcing me to have more appointments than necesary to get more money out of me but tricking me into beleiving it was a booking mistake. I will be filing a compaint at the Arizona Board of Health. I feel bad if there are other patients who don't figure out their scams.
Dear doctor Hara Misra You are an asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waiting for Surgery

I’m not sure where to start with this but across my left knee is a rather large varicose vein. This guy has been my bestest buddy for many years; he has never left my side and is always there even though I never wanted his friendship to begin with. Varicose veins don’t seem to run in my family but I have had many jobs where I stand a lot and now I sit constantly. I actually believe it showed up because of a car accident I had where I whacked the crap out of my knee on the steering column (I’ll write about car accidents later, I have lots to tell). The fun simple pleasures in life have now become a huge pain for me. I can’t cross my legs without nailing my knee under the desk, I can’t jump off large walls while running drunk through my neighborhood without causing great trauma and giving me a super cool limp, heck, most importantly being on my knees for various different reasons is flat out painful (if your mind is in the gutter or out it pretty much sucks either way…heh heh, get it? Sucks…”cough”…er, never mind).
I woke up the other morning with my stomach in knots. Then I remembered the dream I had. I suppose I should say nightmare because it was not pleasant. The dream was basic; I was in my doctor’s office waiting to be called back for surgery on my knee. They had me scheduled to have surgery along side this rather skuzzy albeit happy fellow which weirded me out. Then this little tomato colored midget girl came out after having the same surgery and was screaming in agony on the floor with blood coming out of her wounds (why are there always midgets in dream sequences?). Thus traumatizing me and making me seriously question if the surgery is worth it. At that time I awoke. It’s pretty obvious that part of me is scared to hell about having this surgery especially after reading the papers I signed about liability and risks, I can handle the chances of heart attacks, scarring, nerve damage and fatalities but please God don’t let me have the constipation! The other part of me wants to throw a giant party and make everyone crawl around on their knees to celebrate (yes I know that’s stupid but I’m gonna love being able to kneel again).
I asked the Doctor about the process of the surgery and it’s pretty basic. I’m going to load myself up on prescribed Valium, have my boyfriend drive me there while I’m unconscious or speaking in tongues. The actual surgery involves shoving a catheter in through my knee all the way up to my groin area (Note to self; remember to wear boxers or clean underwear and shave. Do not eat beans the day before; farting on the surgery table will be far more embarrassing than at the chiropractors…that is if you remember it) they will then proceed to pull it back out while it emits sonar/heat rays to collapse the vein. After that, they will make some incisions to cut portions of it and pull it out like a piece of spaghetti…yummy. Sounds like it’s going to be a wonderful time, I can’t wait. If I live through it I’ll let you know…hell, maybe I’ll get a good drug induced blog out of it (yay). Until Monday, I wait like a scared puppy dog stuck in the rain...pity me.

The Joys of Flying #1

My buddy Hafid (a-k-a The Frequent Flyer) wrote a little story about flying today so I thought I'd add one of mine.

ahhh the joys of flying...Once upon a time after being bumped from my first flight and delayed 1 hour I was forced to dash accross the runway in 60mph winds and pelting rain only to get onboard and have them tell me to go back inside. They realized by my death stair that I was not getting off the plain until I was safely in my own state. So they made us sit with our seat belts on for 2 hours, no pee breaks and the air conditioning cranked to the fullest hightening our cold wet skin (I had goose pimples the size of Mount Rushmore). I finally started to dry off and my shivers that had originally registered a 5.0 on the ricter scale started to subside. It was at that very moment the little fucknut who'd been screaming and kicking my seat behind me with his non-english speaking mother (whom may I add, did nothing to subdue the little spawn of satan), dumped the contents of his sippy cup all down the front of my shirt. It was the one day I wished I hadn't forgotten my sweater and had grown the balls to smuggle a gun on board. MAn I am entirely too nice sometimes.

That Sucks #2

In my previous "That Sucks" post I talked about the horrible names people have to bear because of their evil parents. The name "HARRY PANIS" was in the top running for the most embarressing. Well today I kid you not, I came accross someone that could be his best friend and partner in crime. It's up to you to deside which one is worse. All the way from Texas I give you "HAPPY JOHNSON"!

Someone in the office at one point came accross their cousin as well, his name is "SACH RYDER" (omfg!)

6-28-05 update
newest names on the bad names I've come accross;
Dung Ho
Juan Valdez

Bathroom Reading

So I was sitting in the bathroom a few minutes ago doing some (cough) reading. I looked at the counter and sighed, all I had for material was the same magazines that have been there for months and by this time (like everytime) it was too late to run and find something else. I picked up one of the mags and started flipping through it, annoyed with seeing the same photos and same articles once again. Then the solitude of the bathroom gave me a bright idea. "Ding!" Why don't I start looking at the magazine from the back! HOLY SHIT! It was amazing. I was like a kid in a candy store, there were all these articles I'd never noticed before because I never made it past the first couple days. My irritation has been thwarted for atleast a few more days.

Stalker Files

It has become abundantly clear that my boyfriend has a stalker. I don't know how they got my information or know where he is all the time but they follow him everywhere, take pictures of him and mail them to me. They're not even good photos, every one of them is grainy and in Black & White. This is like the fifth time they've mailed them to me. It's so stupid, why would you stalk my boyfriend and then ask me for money.I suppose they are the reason he drives so fast all the time, he must be getting really paranoid.
(shaking my fist at the air)I don't know who this "Photo Radar" person is but you will pay!!!!

Traffic Diaries #2

In a previously posted blog I entered a very valuable life lesson and that was " Never drive a pink Mini Cooper...you will lose all privacy to pick your nose while driving."

While sitting in my daily traffic routine I pulled up behind a fellow who was a young Quintin Tarentino look alike riding on a bright yellow scooter. As I came to a slow halt behind him he turned his head to the left which I can only assume was to feel like the people on his right could not see what he was doing which in turn gave me full view of an extreme nose picking episode. He was going to town; there must've been some kind of gold waiting up in them thar hills because at one point both thumb and index finger were crammed up the same nostril. As he dove further into the realms of the unknown my face became transformed. It was like there was an evil invisible ventriloquist floating above me pulling the strings to my mouth very slow and smooth creating the biggest upward curves to my lips. It was the kind of shit-eating smile you get when you know what will happen next and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Little did I know that not only what I was expecting to happen would, but I got a pleasant bonus. He ran his fingers right through his hair seconds after leaving the caverns of hope. There was no wiping of the digits involved, they dove straight into his short but primped forest on top of his head. Just when I thought the devil had possessed me and my smile couldn't get any bigger he looked in his rear view mirror and saw me with that grin that spoke words of terror "That's right buddy, you just got busted doing disgusting things by a hot chick in a ferociously pink Mini Cooper."
I'll give him credit, he played it off quite nicely pretending it never happened, kind of like when I farted during my back being cracked at the chiropractor. Every stop light after that he would do his best to get away from me by getting as close to the bumper of the person in front of him as possible. I'm talking less than a couple inches. My ride home was glorious, sometimes traffic is a beautiful and amazing thing. God bless the nose pickers.

That sucks #1

I feel bad for people who have to live with terrible names because of their parents lack of compassion and I can't help but laugh histerically about it. I wonder if I'm some how contributing to their ultimate demise.
I've come accross a few odd ones in my day like a kid named "Grendle" after the monster in the famous tale of "Beowulf" or another one named "Simian", last I knew that was a form of monkey. I even ran into a woman with the perfect porn name, "Candy Camero", unfortunately her looks could not live up to the name.
A few days ago I came accross a name that takes the cake of anything I've ever heard and I keep snickering to myself about it every few minutes which I'm sure is causing my coworkers to think I'm even more nuts then they originally thought. About a day after reading his name I found a girl named Aima Ho who could very well be his girlfriend. His name was "Harry Panis"
Say it with me kids; "I will not name my children stupid names or Emily will write stupid journal entries and embarrass them for the world to see"

Here is a list of others I've seen with my own eyes;
Warren Tittlemier
Richard Stiff
Willabald Thumbfart
Mike Hunt(say it fast enough it becomes My Cunt)
April Raines (not too funny but kind of neat)
Forrest Hair
Hung Duong w/wife My Duong
Joy killum

Life lessons #1

I've learned some very valuable lessons this week.

1.) Never eat a ton of Bush's Baked Beans in an attempt to have a farting contest with your boyfriend and then go to you chiropracter. The "pretzel twist back crack" will end very badly...and smelly.

2.) If your job insists on bringing in new temps who keep quitting and every one of them is wierd, don't assume the 7th temp of the week is going to be normal just because they finally appear that way. Within minutes they will continually talk to themselve, poke their head with a magic marker, paint everything with white out, giggle, and laugh at the wall.

3.) Never drive a pink Mini Cooper...you will lose all privacy to pick your nose while driving.

4.)Never eat a ton of Bush's Baked Beans and let your boyfriend fall asleep with his hand on your butt...you will win the formentioned contest and never live it down...especially if you don't remember doing it and were heard mumbling something to the effect of "That one's for you babe."

Contact

I opened my email and there it was. A notice from www.myspace.com saying I had a message from some random myspacer who's name I don't recognize. "Eh" I thought "just another idiot starved for attention and just wants to ad me as a friend because they think I'm hot and/or need the attention to feel good about themselves." I suppose I should be flattered when people request my internet friendship but in all actuallity I find it quite pathetic. It's like being in highschool again and thriving on popularity. I'm just on the site to keep up with old friends and a select few internet buddies I think are cool. I always check the profile to see if I know the person before discarding the email or friend request just to be safe. I have denied people in the past that I actually know. I logged in and opened the message. WELL HOLY SHIT! here's an email from the last person I ever expected to here from.
I moved to North Carolina when I was almost 16 and not long after I moved there I was on a pay phone calling my Dad to pick me up from school when this tall, skinny, punk rock kid walked up to me, tried to stick his hand up my shirt and told me I was the woman of his dreams. I think he had intended on freaking me out, little did he know it takes a lot to shock me, it also takes a lot to convince me that I want to be with you and this was most deffinately not the way to go about it. Colored hair and a pet snake that you carry around in your mouth is not a big deal and does not impress me...of course neither does sleeping with my sister. This guy was the epitomy of grungy punkers, but being new and not having friends it was a refreshing change of pace for the shy, dorky and kind of punk kid I once was. I won't go into all of the trouble our little group of people got into when this person was around, we'll just say he was anything but a good influence. Eventually he dissapeared and since then I've heard lots of rumors about him being gay or going to jail...blah blah blah...I'm sure some of them were true. This guy would be someone I wouldn't ever consider to be sentimental or the least bit curious what happened to people from his past. All though judging by his email I don't think it would be a sentimental thing but the first reason that had popped into my head when I saw the notice.
Here's the entire email;
"holy crap ...i dont even know if this is the same girl i used to know .... this is ______(Name hidden) and i have but one question for you ... who the hell let you grow up and get so hot ?"

This morning

I woke up today hearing an incredible laugh/giggle. It was so cool, our friend Skinnee a-k-a Master B stayed the night with her most awesome little tot we've nicknamed Vomit (for obvious reasons). Those 2 must get up pretty damn early, after hearing the giggles I dozed back off to sleep with one of those "that's so cute" grins on my face only to wake back up an hour or so later and the door to the spare room is closed so they must've gone back to sleep. I venture downstairs and after about half an hour of wondering around in my "non morning person" state the blankets on the couch start to move. If that girl was a super hero her power would be hiding under blankets. There have been numerous times in this house I've walk by her or asked Chris "where's B?" only to see this little blond head peak out of te blankets.
yup that's the morning so far....I have some other very exciting news from this weekend but I will wait to share because I must have photos for it. I'll just leave some hints.
Chris almost got pimped on by a redneck guy because of it.
I can never pick my nose while driving again.
She's small, british and gives me an erection.

Later today we're picking our Bastard british friend up from the airport to hear about all his travels...maybe he'll help me with my lack of camera...or at least he better! muwah ha ha ha

ewwww

8:17AM
burping up redbull and oatmeal is nasty!
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12:30
turns out oatmeal and Redbull is the recipe for some very powerfull (ahem) gas...too bad it won't power my Mini...Watch out world! There's a rumblin from down under and God ain't bowling today!
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3:30PM
After countless hours of contemplating suicide because I love my job and this last rendition of typing a whole funny blog that you will never read do to me trying to open a link and having the damn internet explorer clear my words off the screen (go me!)...I now have the link to the only thing keeping me from going postal on my coworkers. I must build one of these!
----> http://eatliver.com/i.php?n=132
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5:35PM TRAFFIC DIARIES #1
once again I sat in the wonderful Phoenix traffic that I've come to love so much. For some unknown reason I had an "Alley McBeal" moment when this punk walked accross the street. Now I don't mean punk as in "punk rocker" I mean punk as in "fuckwad"...from the moment he grabbed his dick whilst not looking both ways accross the street holding up traffic more than it already was I had the vision of jumping out and beating the living snot out of him. Only thing stopping me was the fact that it would take more time to be the hero than it would be to floor the gas peddleand race up to the next traffic light only to get stuck once again with the nine to fivers in their daily glory.

ugh

got woken up at 1AM with a tackling by a hot Italian piece of ass...sleep was deprived...didn't want to wake up this morning...work sucks...very tired and grumpy...conclusion;Redbull is tasty for breakfast.

no kiss for me

it's 10:57pm...I"m tired as all fucking hell...my boyfriend is having some wierd super retardo seizure which is resulting in my lack of goodnight kiss...poor me...no slobber for me at the moment...but that's ok...I will tackle him momentarily and force him into submission...right after I find his blogger profile so I can annoy all living hell out of him. He is the one I love...there for I must stalk him before I can go to the great abyss I call (doom impending voice) "SLEEPYTIME!"