stoopid is

Chronicles of my constant mishaps and retarded nature.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Death to Spiders

I just got the crap scared out of me. A few nights ago I put my toothbrush back in it's holder only to see this ginourmous (possible Brown Recluse) spider come crawling out. First instinct was to yell, "I just had my mouth on that toothbrush you bastard!!!"second instinct was to squash him.

(Insert Public Service announcement; I don't typically kill spiders, I in fact like to put them outside but this little bastard was angry...and asking for it by putting his spider feet on my personal items)

Assessing my situation I realized squashing him was out since he was so fast he ran behind my mirror. So I went for instinct numero tres. Run like hell for the can of Raid and stare at the mirror for 45 minutes until he comes out the other side. I shoot the Raid at him and amazingly he kamikaze jumps out of the streams way and uses military tactics to repel down the mirror on his web at high speeds. I turned into a mad woman and shot Raid all over the mirror & sink. I then watched him twitch until he was dead.

So since then I keep having nightmares that the spider wasn't really dead or that his spider posse is gonna get me in my sleep. I do firmly believe that once you kill one (even if he deserved it) the others know and you will continually get bombarded by attacks for at least 3 months (trust me I know by experience)

So today I decided I should finally clean up the yard after our "Non hurricane, hurricane". All goes well until the last pile of pine straw. As soon as I pick it up I notice a family of spiders (ok they're not really a family unless it's acceptable in spiderland to interracial date between like 5 different species). I run quickly and toss the straw. No problem...definitely time to go back inside where it's somewhat safe. No sooner to I step inside but I feel something crawling up my upper chest area towards my neck. Mere seconds before panic mode sets in and I start smacking myself violently, it hops off me....yep it hopped wight off. I look down and it's the tiniest cutest wittle tree frog. (insert sigh of relief). Awwwww, took me forever to catch him and unlike the spider I set this little guy go so he could hop off into wittle froggyland.

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12 Comments:

At 9/21/08, 11:45 AM, Blogger Chris said...

Dear Stoopid,

We found this post to be in very poor taste and quite offensive. You'll hear from our action group.

Regards,
Charlotte, the itsy bitsy spider, and the spider who sat down next to Ms. Moffit.

 
At 11/6/08, 4:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks for blogging! heart..chad

 
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At 8/20/09, 6:51 AM, Blogger Gina said...

OMG, I don't think I've laughed that hard in a LONG time!!! I'm from Chicago and now live in Clayton, NC. All these freaky bugs are new to me and give me plenty of nightmares!!!

 
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At 9/5/09, 9:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are my hero. i have found no other way to contact you than through this. if you for whatever reason decide to sell your car... you have a buyer!!! i want one just like you (ok not just like you but similar) i have a tee shirt that you made with a mini with wings i was wondering if you still made tee's or possibly hoodies? you are also my hero because i was looking at your pictures on fliker and they make me really wish i knew what i was doing with a camera. please please please email me at katlv16@att.net.

ps i'm sincearly sorry about the spider, i have the ultimate gift of awesomeness that i am going to give to you... they make bug zappers. they are tennis rackets that are charged with D batteries the ELIMINATE bugs. its awesome.

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