stoopid is

Chronicles of my constant mishaps and retarded nature.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I'm going crazy

Today, at the grocery store the cashier in a desperate attempt to pick me up referred to me as “Scenery”. I know it was meant as a compliment but I can’t say its good use of words. The old man in line behind me agreed that he was enjoying the “scenery” as well….I’m a hard girl to make blush and had I not been so tired and in serious need of a shower I probably would have had some witty retort like “You best shoosh, you’re making my Cracklen Oat bran jealous.” And then proceed to stroke the top of my cereal box and whisper to it “Its ok branny, you’re scenery too.” As I walked off with them staring at me like I was insane. I like it when people think I’m insane, it gives me a good excuse for my actions half the time. Whenever someone says something to me about “remember that time when you (insert something stupid I did)?” my response is always “Nooooooo I don’t remember that? I must have been drunk!” Before I knew it half the people on this planet now think I’m an alcoholic when truth is I’m rarely drunk and when I am drunk I’m usually conscious of my actions…not necessarily in control *cough* those photos floating around of me vomiting in a toilet. Not to mention my conversations are usually about how badly I’m craving Hillshire Farm’s Cheddar Wursts, who knew heaven could be found in prepackage pig lips and assholes?

Look I’m a crazy woman! Craaaaazy I tell you! C-R-A-Z-Y! Grrrrrrr I’m a ferocious beast!

Thursday, October 19, 2006


I have Caramel Frappacino stuck in my hair! Damn yooooooou Starbucks! Damn yooooou all to hell!!! LOL

Sunday, October 08, 2006

He's a fishy guy

He's a fishy guy
Originally uploaded by StoopidGirl.
I was walking down the Seal Beach pier in California this morning when I happened upon a fish. He was a random fish just flopping around, horribly gasping for his last breaths. For a couple of days I have thought about taking pictures, I have carried my camera on my shoulder looking for something to come my way. It’s one of those things when you are looking for it, searching, and trying to force it to come out it will never happen. I had almost forgotten my camera in the car and a split second decision it was back at my side. I ate breakfast with a few friends and afterwards we wandered in the direction of water. I’ve been in California about a month now and still haven’t set foot near the ocean. When we happened upon the fish I knew it was my chance. I could feel it. Here was this poor creature with no one to help him, not even I. I was merely a spectator. I quickly grabbed my camera, stuck it on the “action” setting and started shooting away. Click, click, click. As I shot the fish was violently flopping, I couldn’t even tell if he was in frame, and passers by were looking at me like I was insane. “Whatever” I thought, they can think of me what they want, the fish is dying anyway. I might as well get an emotional, journalistic photograph out of its strife. Then I heard this happy voice saying something like “You lika my feesh? That’sa my feesh, he got away.”, next thing you know there is another fish hanging from a line in front of some children who had started watching me, his body convulsing and tail just bairly touching the boards of the pier and I hear the same voice, “The feeshy is doin a little dance for you!”.
I look up to see an elderly gentleman with one of the biggest grins on his face I’ve seen in years. He was a naturally born entertainer. I was distracted by the fish on the ground and my attention was towards the inside of the new fishes’ gaping mouth. How interesting it would be to take a photo directly down its throat. I asked the gentleman if I could take a picture. He misunderstood the photo I had intended to take, smiled, held up his fish, stuck out his tongue, and I pushed the trigger. As I walked away I reviewed my photos paying no mind to the snapshot I had just taken. Oh well, I thought, it doesn’t seem like any of the “Feeshy” photos will be worth while. They’re out of focus, the lighting is too strong or I’ve cut off the fishes head (not literally). MY boyfriend asked me what the man had said to me and I didn’t really have an answer, “Ummmm, he asked me if I liked his fish…I think.” As the day progressed I took a nap and did my usual Sunday procrastinating. During this time I just kept thinking about what a funny old man that guy was, and then I emptied the contents of my camera onto my computer.
It just goes to show that sometimes it’s not the want or desire for things to happen, sometimes it’s the journey that gets you there which matters the most and gives you the best result. I hope this photo makes you smile as it does me.

The Fellow gave me his business card during my brief experience, it turns out he has a Hungarian Import store and Delicatessen up in Burbank…I think if I ever get up that way I’ll have to stop in.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Phone calls

I have this friend, an old friend. A friend I would talk to about anything and everything until the sun came up and he would finally kick me out of his house when the cockroaches would run for shade. A friend who knew everybody and everybody knew him. A friend I thought would never part with their beloved record collection. A friend with more potential and talent in his middle finger than quite possibly anyone I’ve ever known. A friend I knew like a brother. A friend I looked up to more than he will probably ever know. A friend who still calls me randomly out of the blue to give me the news. A friend I don’t need to talk too constantly to know I can call if I ever need something…anything.

It’s funny where life has taken the two of us. Time has passed, distance has entered between us but the news always comes. The phone rings, it’s my friend; “I’m getting married!”, “Wilmington misses you.”, “Our friend X has passed away”, “My wife is pregnant!”, “I just wanted to tell you our friend X tried to commit suicide.”, “Guess who’s going to be on TV?”, “Did you know so and so has joined X (insert really famous band)”, “Well (insert another friend) is now chief editor of X (insert big magazine)”, “Well you know what happened to friend X right? They’re tour manager for X (insert another big band)”.

I never know what to expect when the phone shows his number, it’s either going to be really good or really bad. After reading an interview with a famous musician I started to think about all of the phone calls I’ve received through the years announcing the successes of mutual friends. In my own head lately I’ve been battling with who I am and where I am currently at in this world. I’m human; I am just like everyone else. What am I doing? Would I be happy back in the town that took 11 years and a cross country move for me to call home? A place where everyone knows my name? A place of familiarity? A place where my best friends and sometimes I think my only friends still live? Sure I miss it and sure it brings tears to my eyes with thoughts of the day I can afford to go back. It’s painful to think about for sure.

How did those people he spoke of get where they are? They didn’t just go home? Not that it’s a bad thing because believe me I’d be very happy about it. Am I in the pre-stages of being “the” phone call? Have I already been “the” phone call to our other mutual friends? You always here these stories about people who become successful and it always seems like such an after thought but what about when it’s happening? Do people know its happening? Did Brad Pitt know he was in the pre-stages when he was dressed in a chicken costume working for a fast food restaurant? I have so many doors and opportunities opening up for me yet I remain humbled and modest about it. It’s not my cup of tea to boast about things or show them off. I talk about them surely but do I really know what’s going on? Hell no! I am sitting in an empty apartment sipping my cheap wine and wishing I could afford furniture and rent. I’m not complaining, this is not a sob story, there’s plenty of bitching I could do but let’s face it; I got myself here.

This seems to be the era where grass roots Indy kids are allover the radio, internet and television. Maybe I have a chance in hell; if only I could figure out what I’m looking for. I’m an ok writer, I’m an ok hairdresser, I’m an ok photographer, and I’m pretty damn good at talking to myself. Who knows what this world holds…I don’t. All I know is, I will probably never know. Maybe my friend will call and tell me the news about me.

The end….ok maybe not…deal with it.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

California is for Weirdoes

I find myself driving down the road…slowly…almost eerily slow, like there’s a ridiculous amount of traffic or something. I look to my right and see a fellow who for a split second I think “he’s insane.” Then I realize he’s not crazy, he’s praying. His shirt is neatly spread onto the ground, sandals set to his side and head bowed in holy silence. Normally this public spectacle wouldn’t interest me so much but he had a McDonald’s cup placed to his right and he was facing their building. Is he praying to McDonald’s? I mean I know they kill cows and all and in some countries cows are sacred but then I don’t think that would explain the cup. The traffic light turns green and I pull forward. For the umpteenth time I’m lost, in this case there’s a simple solution to my problem, a U-turn, this should be easy. I pull up to the next light; no U-turn allowed “Ok, I’ll motor.” My head slowly turns to the left as I start to feel like I’m permanently stuck in a sluggish time warp or a “Movie moment” where everything happens in slow motion. To my left I see a fellow shouting into the air, “He must have turrets.” After a long pause, watching his moves I realize “Noooooo, he’s the one who’s crazy.” He doesn’t have turrets, he’s actually talking to someone, and the longer I stare the more his invisible friend was making an impression in my head. “I’ve gotta get out of here.” Several street lights, about 20 minutes, and one illegal U-turn later I’m passing by the little fellow praying to the holy fast-food restaurant. He is like a statue sitting unmoved. I wondered what would happen if I pulled over and joined him. Would I become enlightened? Would he notice and/or take offence? Maybe I need a crazy moment of purity, after all I am in Los Angeles and my impression thus far is that everything is weird here.

In an attempt to change things in my life I have once again departed from my city of residence for a new one. This will be the fourth time I’ve had a major move geared for a new life and world. Two were not my choice and two were, all four times were immediately surrounded by weirdness.

Move one; I was 2 months old when my parents decided to move the family from a growing small town in upstate New York to a not so growing small town in Maine. My mom promptly collided her car with a moose, obviously we are ok.

Move two; my dad, sister and I (age 16) moved from Maine, upgrading to a slightly bigger town in North Carolina which usually had very low crime. Our move into the new house was delayed by some kid who shot his dad and was having a standoff with the police by hiding in a tree house, still holding a loaded shotgun. The first restaurant we ate at was Hooters.

Move three; at age 26, I packed up my car and moved from North Carolina to an even bigger town in Arizona. The cross country drive had enough weirdness to fill a novel so I’ll refrain. We’ll just say it was complete with fingerless mechanics and me having a nervous breakdown in the freezing cold desert.

Move four; I am currently 29 years old and am going from Arizona upgrading a third time to California. Its official, I have arrived. So far I’ve been here about a month and I’ve had enough odd things happen to me that I almost wonder if I’ve finally found my place or if it’s time to loop around and start over. Let me count the weirdness.

  1. I peed on a spider
  2. I had another spider hitching a ride on the back of my shirt
  3. I’ve finally seen a man juggling in the grocery store trying to impress a girl (I actually found this quite endearing so guys, take notes, if you want to impress a girl, juggle her melons)
  4. My reserved parking space has been stolen 3 days in a row at my new apartment complex.
  5. Some friends were almost in a gang fight over another reserved parking space.
  6. I saw a truck full fledge run over someone else’s muffler on the highway creating quite a spectacular display of sparks.
  7. I had to chase a UPS truck all over the city because he wouldn’t wait 2 seconds as I was handing him my package. (Why is a UPS truck faster than me? WTF?)
  8. I was ridiculed by said UPS truck driver and UPS driving friends, but that’s ok, I called him baldy with a smile on my face leaving him totally confused as to weather I was hitting on him or picking on him. As he left, the growing crowd was treated to the site of me flipping him the bird and saying “Douche bag” while still wearing my big grin. (my package never got shipped, UPS if you’re listening, you’re a bunch of Douches)
  9. While getting coffee my coffee boy said “Yours is going to take a little longer, I need to make some milk.” So I said “That sounds so dirty!” Blushing he responded, “Ummm, sorry I meant I have to make some cream.” I gave him a cynical evil glare and we started laughing.
  10. I saw two ghetto birds
  11. Streets are labeled as highways or routes…if it has a traffic light it’s a street!
  12. I caused a police car to collide with a guard rail
  13. My boyfriend has received two traffic violations for ridiculous reasons. I don’t care what the police say; doing 46mph on a major road is not speeding, especially when traffic is going 50.
  14. Some friends and I were forced to drive up the on ramp to get off the highway when a suspected radioactive briefcase was discovered shutting down two major highways only to discover it was (get this) a brief case (gasp!).
  15. I saw a swarm of killer bees…seriously it was a swarm of bees the size of a Mack truck. A guy was walking and actually ducked under them like you would go under a pole and kept walking.
  16. I have not seen any rain but the ground is always wet.
  17. I think I felt my first earthquake but I couldn’t say for sure since nobody else seemed to notice the concrete floor of the grocery store rumble and a bunch of products fall from the shelves.
  18. California doesn’t seem to believe in U-turns but they also don’t seem to believe in left turns either which inadvertently forces you to make an illegal u-turn
  19. People pray to McDonalds
  20. People have invisible friends

I’m sure there are plenty of things I’m missing but this has been my observations thus far.