stoopid is

Chronicles of my constant mishaps and retarded nature.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Waiting for Surgery

I’m not sure where to start with this but across my left knee is a rather large varicose vein. This guy has been my bestest buddy for many years; he has never left my side and is always there even though I never wanted his friendship to begin with. Varicose veins don’t seem to run in my family but I have had many jobs where I stand a lot and now I sit constantly. I actually believe it showed up because of a car accident I had where I whacked the crap out of my knee on the steering column (I’ll write about car accidents later, I have lots to tell). The fun simple pleasures in life have now become a huge pain for me. I can’t cross my legs without nailing my knee under the desk, I can’t jump off large walls while running drunk through my neighborhood without causing great trauma and giving me a super cool limp, heck, most importantly being on my knees for various different reasons is flat out painful (if your mind is in the gutter or out it pretty much sucks either way…heh heh, get it? Sucks…”cough”…er, never mind).
I woke up the other morning with my stomach in knots. Then I remembered the dream I had. I suppose I should say nightmare because it was not pleasant. The dream was basic; I was in my doctor’s office waiting to be called back for surgery on my knee. They had me scheduled to have surgery along side this rather skuzzy albeit happy fellow which weirded me out. Then this little tomato colored midget girl came out after having the same surgery and was screaming in agony on the floor with blood coming out of her wounds (why are there always midgets in dream sequences?). Thus traumatizing me and making me seriously question if the surgery is worth it. At that time I awoke. It’s pretty obvious that part of me is scared to hell about having this surgery especially after reading the papers I signed about liability and risks, I can handle the chances of heart attacks, scarring, nerve damage and fatalities but please God don’t let me have the constipation! The other part of me wants to throw a giant party and make everyone crawl around on their knees to celebrate (yes I know that’s stupid but I’m gonna love being able to kneel again).
I asked the Doctor about the process of the surgery and it’s pretty basic. I’m going to load myself up on prescribed Valium, have my boyfriend drive me there while I’m unconscious or speaking in tongues. The actual surgery involves shoving a catheter in through my knee all the way up to my groin area (Note to self; remember to wear boxers or clean underwear and shave. Do not eat beans the day before; farting on the surgery table will be far more embarrassing than at the chiropractors…that is if you remember it) they will then proceed to pull it back out while it emits sonar/heat rays to collapse the vein. After that, they will make some incisions to cut portions of it and pull it out like a piece of spaghetti…yummy. Sounds like it’s going to be a wonderful time, I can’t wait. If I live through it I’ll let you know…hell, maybe I’ll get a good drug induced blog out of it (yay). Until Monday, I wait like a scared puppy dog stuck in the rain...pity me.


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