Hey Look!

I learned to post photos today!

Can we spell "D-R-U-N-K", Children?
Now I can be a dork too and join in on SPD.
Even though I'm a day late.

FUCK!

Apparently Chris is not the only one with a stalker. I too got a photo of myself in the mail today. You'd think for $157.00 they could at least take a flattering photo of me! For crying out loud I was doing 11 over! That's one mile more than allowed before the stupid photo radar goes off. I swear I’m going to have revenge on them! For that amount of money I could have flown somewhere much cooler than where the mile took me. I knew it had happened before I got it in the mail and I actually thought it was funny because I was picking my nose when the flash went off but I thought these things only ran 60 or 80 bucks, I could handle that. Now I'm just pissed and my "girl time" mood swings aren't helping. I almost cried while watching the new "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" the other day and that wasn't nearly as devastating as this. I have one word....FUCK!

Shedding

I'm a girl, I have long hair and I shed. I shed constantly, it's all over the bathroom floor, stuck in the carpet of my car and clumped in my shower drain so big they will probably come alive at some point and throw a party right on my bathroom floor. I shed so much you could probably collect it all and use it to tie into ropes and build bridges with it in third world countries. Feeling a little hair fall from my head and tickle down my arm has become part of my life, along with my boyfriend making an odd face as he pulls one out of his butt-crack. How exactly it is that it got there we may never know. Last night I sat propped up in my bed reading a book to help me fall asleep. The ceiling fan was blowing a nice cool breaze accross my skin and I ran my fingers through my hair as I followed the all new adventures of Harry Potter (yes I'm a nerd). A few freshly freed hairs would cling to my fingertips and I would enjoyably wiggle my fingers and watch them fly away. I burried my nose back in my book and didn't think twice when I felt one of them wisp accross my bare thigh. Out of chance I caught something out of the corner of my eye and turned my head just in time to see a spider jump spread eagle/kamakaze style off the edge of my bed! I was no longer sleepy.

sleep

My boyfriend has been sleeping for three days strait. I'm not exactly sure what's causing this. He appears to be fine, his face is of normal color (aside from a 5 o'clock shadow plus 72 hours). The only time he's showed some serious signs of life was when he woke me up for morning (ahem) play time yesterday and just now to go upstairs and throw on some "outside" cloths so we can go to lunch with the person who just rang the doorbell. I know he's moved because he has to have gone to the bathroom, he doesn't stink so he must've showered and apporxamately 6 beers are missing from the fridge. Where is my boyfriend? The man who claims he can not sleep. Maybe he's catching up for years of insomnia. Must be nice...I'm jealous, I want to sleep for three days.

Good and Bad

Today there was a good thing and a bad thing at work. Nothing all to exciting in my corporate world, just enough to give me a small tremor on the giggle richter scale. I have become the resident "tom boy/bug catcher/not afraid of creepy crawlies person" at my job. Any time there's something that no one else wants to touch they come and get me. I don't mind, it's rather entertaining to see the stupid things people are afraid of. Today I came across my favorite little guy I've had to save from the perils of our building and Dag blasted I didn't have my camera on me!!!!! I'm sooo mad about not having it...I'm shaking my fist at the sky "whyyyyyy didn't I have my camera on me!?".
I got called to our mail room only to discover the smallest of small baby geckos I've ever seen. He was the size of the fingernail on my pinky finger. I couldn't even pick him up with out smushing him. I finally got him to crawl on my hand and I gave him a nice new home on the tree outside where he hopefully won't get squished by fat ladies who are constantly on diets but never get any thinner.
The second little critter I had to set free today and this goes under the bad category was a grasshopper. A few days ago we noticed this fellow twitching and obviously dying on top of our filing cabinets. That was three days ago people! For some reason everyone I work with, especially one person in particular is deathly afraid of grasshoppers because of the molasses type substance they spit on you as a defense mechanism. When I came in this morning I was like "he has to be dead, the poor fellow hasn't moved other than a random leg twitch in three whole days!" then I saw the twitch. Funny thing is, I don't have the heart to step on him and put him out of his misery but I can watch him suffer for a ridiculous period of time. I'd had enough so I grabbed him by his not so twitchy leg and tossed him outside. He'll both resuscitate and have a happy grasshopper life or he'll make some bird very happy.
At least my co-workers weren’t like the kids from last night who wouldn’t go pee on the account of the world’s largest cockroach hanging out in the bathroom stall. Turns out it was just a Palo Verde beetle. They look scary but they don’t scamper up you legs like roaches do, although one did hit my boyfriend in the head while he was driving once and gave him a very large welt on his forehead, the beetle was fine aside from a bent antenna.
That's about all today folks...don't say I didn't warn you.

There's a theif amongst us!

Ok for the second time in my life there is a certain object that has decided to up and walk away. I suppose I should start from the beginning. I have a history of coming home from vacation where something really weird happened while I was gone...like a few years ago when I found a really fowl smelling month old poopy diaper that got thrown in my trash can in my bedroom and forgotten about, so when I opened the lid I was hit like a sledgehammer with an overly fowl smell...there are no words to truly describe it, I would rather shove fish guts in my nostrils. Another time I came home and opened my bedroom door which had not been opened for 3 weeks to feel pinpoint stabbing pains in my feet, when I looked down they were covered in black specks, apparently a family of a bazillion fleas had taken up residence in my room and were now making a tasty meal of my feet. My current situation May have actually happened while I was on vacation but I didn't discover it until now. The first time it occurred I came home to what seemed like a normal return for once. I scoped out my house and everything seemed fine, then my roommates started to giggle and poke each other bantering about if and who will tell me this funny story. Finally one of them came out with it. While I was on vacation she had walked into the bathroom to discover our other (not present) roommate’s vibrator which some how was forgotten about on the back of the toilet. First of all the roommate in question was a strait (but confused) male. It was funny I'll admit, it gave me a good chuckle. Then the story continued, the two roommates confronted him about it saying that it was gross to leave something like that out but he denied it until no end. They put it on my bed knowing damn well it showed up after I left town and that I wouldn’t be so stupid but didn't want to embarrass him any more. It disappeared later that day. I continued to chuckle...then one of them mentioned what it looked like. I ran to my bedroom, pulled my vibrator out of the drawer and said "did it look like this?!" We were in total shock! OMFG! That is wrong on so many levels but it's given me a laugh for the last five years. This brings me to present time. After having a conversation with my boyfriend that I don't own very many sexy underwear I decided to clean out my underwear drawer to make room for some possible new and sexier ones, this happens to be the same drawer I keep my vibrator in. I haven't used it in over a year because I'm quite happy with my sex life and the size of my man's penis that there hasn't been a need. Well...guess what? Yup, that's right! The damn thing's been kidnapped! My first instinct was that Chris hid it as a joke to see how long it would take for me to notice, he's always been out to get that thing anyway. I checked and he swears it wasn't him; he even helped me look around the house for it. For crying out loud, Vibrators do not just up and walk away or play hide and seek! Now, there's only a select few people that have been left in this house alone with out supervision...ok...only one...and she just moved to the other side of the country (hmmm?)...It's a conspiracy I tell you! There is a vibrator Monster out there and it’s decided to mess with me! Damn yooooooooou!

Noise

You know what one of the best noises in the world is? The "bunnng" when you pop the cork off a half drank bottle of $4.99 wine. I could listen to it over and over again. You know what one of the worst noises in the world is? The "pifhtdxgfdgjfxm!!!!" when your vomit hits the toilet after making the "Bunnnng" noise one too many times. Hopefully that won't be me by morning...but I will admit I'm almost to the bottle being half empty point...now that's some serious optimism. Woo Hoo! It's Saturday...I've done absolutely nothing all day and I'm planning on doing absolutely nothing more. My boyfriend is gone; he's out playing with the boys and their toys. Apparently someone thought it would be a good idea to throw an all night shindig at the raceway. Hmmm, let me think...half dressed woman (that's good), beer (that's good), bands (still good), foam party (could be good) and last but not least...oh yeah...RACING! (After all the aforementioned shit...that's bad) genious I tell you. It's kind of like Busch Gardens, hmmm an amusement park plus beer? Oh Lord. My head is hurting just thinking about it.
So anyway I'm going to shut up for now and maybe something as genious as those ideas will come to me in a drunken stupor and I'll be back to type it all down. Eak.
PS
I just watched the movie Jeepers Creepers (#1) for the very first time. Wow...what a great movie...it was AWESOME...you hear me. Why the hell didn't this win an oscar? I'm kidding...no really...I must say I was a little disapointed that the fake looking demon thing took my little cutie boy who was in "Galaxy Quest" instead of the whiney, stupid, non stick driving girl. For any of you who have not seen Galaxy Quest...go see it! Especially if you were ever a Star Trek Fan...ack...I'm showing my nerd-dom...who's dorky? Me, Me...ooh ooh...over here...Me!

Stupid Fridays

Well here it is a Friday night and like the uber exciting person I am, guess what I'm doing?!.....NOT A DAMN THING! I keep thinking I should post a new blog...but honestly I haven't had much to write about...I'm being rude to our house guests though so i will write more later when I have the time and my funny bone grows back.

over and out