California is for Weirdoes

I find myself driving down the road…slowly…almost eerily slow, like there’s a ridiculous amount of traffic or something. I look to my right and see a fellow who for a split second I think “he’s insane.” Then I realize he’s not crazy, he’s praying. His shirt is neatly spread onto the ground, sandals set to his side and head bowed in holy silence. Normally this public spectacle wouldn’t interest me so much but he had a McDonald’s cup placed to his right and he was facing their building. Is he praying to McDonald’s? I mean I know they kill cows and all and in some countries cows are sacred but then I don’t think that would explain the cup. The traffic light turns green and I pull forward. For the umpteenth time I’m lost, in this case there’s a simple solution to my problem, a U-turn, this should be easy. I pull up to the next light; no U-turn allowed “Ok, I’ll motor.” My head slowly turns to the left as I start to feel like I’m permanently stuck in a sluggish time warp or a “Movie moment” where everything happens in slow motion. To my left I see a fellow shouting into the air, “He must have turrets.” After a long pause, watching his moves I realize “Noooooo, he’s the one who’s crazy.” He doesn’t have turrets, he’s actually talking to someone, and the longer I stare the more his invisible friend was making an impression in my head. “I’ve gotta get out of here.” Several street lights, about 20 minutes, and one illegal U-turn later I’m passing by the little fellow praying to the holy fast-food restaurant. He is like a statue sitting unmoved. I wondered what would happen if I pulled over and joined him. Would I become enlightened? Would he notice and/or take offence? Maybe I need a crazy moment of purity, after all I am in Los Angeles and my impression thus far is that everything is weird here.

In an attempt to change things in my life I have once again departed from my city of residence for a new one. This will be the fourth time I’ve had a major move geared for a new life and world. Two were not my choice and two were, all four times were immediately surrounded by weirdness.

Move one; I was 2 months old when my parents decided to move the family from a growing small town in upstate New York to a not so growing small town in Maine. My mom promptly collided her car with a moose, obviously we are ok.

Move two; my dad, sister and I (age 16) moved from Maine, upgrading to a slightly bigger town in North Carolina which usually had very low crime. Our move into the new house was delayed by some kid who shot his dad and was having a standoff with the police by hiding in a tree house, still holding a loaded shotgun. The first restaurant we ate at was Hooters.

Move three; at age 26, I packed up my car and moved from North Carolina to an even bigger town in Arizona. The cross country drive had enough weirdness to fill a novel so I’ll refrain. We’ll just say it was complete with fingerless mechanics and me having a nervous breakdown in the freezing cold desert.

Move four; I am currently 29 years old and am going from Arizona upgrading a third time to California. Its official, I have arrived. So far I’ve been here about a month and I’ve had enough odd things happen to me that I almost wonder if I’ve finally found my place or if it’s time to loop around and start over. Let me count the weirdness.

1. I peed on a spider
2. I had another spider hitching a ride on the back of my shirt
3. I’ve finally seen a man juggling in the grocery store trying to impress a girl (I actually found this quite endearing so guys, take notes, if you want to impress a girl, juggle her melons)
4. My reserved parking space has been stolen 3 days in a row at my new apartment complex.
5. Some friends were almost in a gang fight over another reserved parking space.
6. I saw a truck full fledge run over someone else’s muffler on the highway creating quite a spectacular display of sparks.
7. I had to chase a UPS truck all over the city because he wouldn’t wait 2 seconds as I was handing him my package. (Why is a UPS truck faster than me? WTF?)
8. I was ridiculed by said UPS truck driver and UPS driving friends, but that’s ok, I called him baldy with a smile on my face leaving him totally confused as to weather I was hitting on him or picking on him. As he left, the growing crowd was treated to the site of me flipping him the bird and saying “Douche bag” while still wearing my big grin. (my package never got shipped, UPS if you’re listening, you’re a bunch of Douches)
9. While getting coffee my coffee boy said “Yours is going to take a little longer, I need to make some milk.” So I said “That sounds so dirty!” Blushing he responded, “Ummm, sorry I meant I have to make some cream.” I gave him a cynical evil glare and we started laughing.
10. I saw two ghetto birds
11. Streets are labeled as highways or routes…if it has a traffic light it’s a street!
12. I caused a police car to collide with a guard rail
13. My boyfriend has received two traffic violations for ridiculous reasons. I don’t care what the police say; doing 46mph on a major road is not speeding, especially when traffic is going 50.
14. Some friends and I were forced to drive up the on ramp to get off the highway when a suspected radioactive briefcase was discovered shutting down two major highways only to discover it was (get this) a brief case (gasp!).
15. I saw a swarm of killer bees…seriously it was a swarm of bees the size of a Mack truck. A guy was walking and actually ducked under them like you would go under a pole and kept walking.
16. I have not seen any rain but the ground is always wet.
17. I think I felt my first earthquake but I couldn’t say for sure since nobody else seemed to notice the concrete floor of the grocery store rumble and a bunch of products fall from the shelves.
18. California doesn’t seem to believe in U-turns but they also don’t seem to believe in left turns either which inadvertently forces you to make an illegal u-turn
19. People pray to McDonalds
20. People have invisible friends

I’m sure there are plenty of things I’m missing but this has been my observations thus far.

Weirdoes