stoopid is

Chronicles of my constant mishaps and retarded nature.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Abandon all hope yee who enter here

All day today I had been thinking about what I wanted to write in my blog. I didn’t want to post it until the actual event took place. I had the whole thing mapped out in my head; it was going to be a brilliant post and quite possibly the happiest from me yet. The title was going to be “Skeletor has left the building”, unfortunately I will not get to use this wonderful title today. I will have to save my happy-dance and beer drinking for another time.

For those who don’t know what or whom I’m talking about; this is about the person we all know, the person we work with and despise all the way to the deepest depths of our souls. My skin crawls when she passes me, she is evil…pure evil. She has been the bane of my existence for over a year. She has sneeze-farted (a-k-a snarted) on my shoulder and yelled at me over paperclips. She has turned me into a bitter vengeful person. It is because of her I’ve contemplated tire slashing or offering up cookies made with chocolate ex-lax bars (yes it exists and is a great revenge tactic), I’ve thought about quitting my job and I’ve thought about slamming her head repeatedly on the photocopier and yelling “You are creepy and if you ever try to be my friend by massaging my shoulders again I will kick you in the vagina and shit down your throat!” Trust me, this may sound a little harsh but you have never met her. Due to her bitter nature she has earned the nicknames Skelator, Leatherface, Stephen King, and Medusa. She freaks out about every thing, back stabs everyone, eaves drops and complains constantly among numerous other infractions. Her life is miserable, she smokes like a chimney, everything around her dies (husband, parents, siblings), she's always getting sick, (one kidney and half her stomach have now been removed, not to mention the cancer) and she's allergic to everything known to man kind (except her cigarettes). I have tried everything to make the situation better so my attitude would not get to the negative point it has taken. Did I mention she talks to herself?

Unfortunately there never seemed to be much light at the end of the tunnel. I prayed to the Gods of Human Resources that she would get fired but my prayers went unanswered. Until today. Today I heard voices carried in the wind. The axe was going to fall and it was going to fall at 4pm. This would be the day that would forever be market on my calendar as a celebratory holiday; it would be more fun than “Talk like a Pirate” day (maybe). I tried not to do the happy dance too early. All these emotions and thoughts were running through my head; She’s going to be gone for good and I don’t feel bad about it! Will this truly be the last time I will feel my hairs stand on end as she walks by? Will the entire company break out in song? What if they back out and don’t fire her? No, no…don’t think that. Breath Emily, Breath. Happy thoughts. They will fire her, thy will be done!

Then 4pm came….and went. 4:15 I receive the death blow. There it was, sitting in my in box. It was an email from the wind and it was bad. “The goose did not lay the golden egg! I repeat, the goose did not lay the golden egg! Abandon all hope” and thus my day ended on a sad note. I don’t know why it didn’t happen, all I know is I now need the beer to wallow in my sorrows. My happy-dance has turned into a slow drowning moan. Skeletor will leave the building today but she will return in the morning unscathed.


At 4/26/06, 9:56 PM, Anonymous Joefish said...

"she's allergic to everything known to man kind (except her cigarettes)" haha!

She's probably allergic because of her cigarettes.

At 4/26/06, 10:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMFAO!!!! OMG! I Love it!! I can't stop laughing!

At 4/27/06, 7:30 AM, Blogger Jade said...

Aww, too bad Skeletor will be back! However, this does give you more opportunity to bake up some of them cookies you were talking about! ;-)

At 4/27/06, 9:53 AM, Blogger Ellie said...

I work for my mother-in-law.... imagine that.

At 4/28/06, 6:09 AM, Blogger Ellie said...

Hey I am having a caption contest on my blog, I thought I would give and invite to you b/c you'd be good at it.

At 4/28/06, 9:58 AM, Blogger Chris said...

Ewwww the shoulder massage thing. I had a girl in the office do that and it REALLY creeped me out. I was surprised at how freaked I got.

Great, funny entry though. Sounds like you could write it into an episode for the TV show "The Office".

Don't abandon all hope.....there's always the possibility that a meteorite will land on her head.

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