stoopid is

Chronicles of my constant mishaps and retarded nature.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


For years I have been suspicious of birds. When driving I’ve noticed they don’t “just” get hit. It’s not like they were already there and we came plowing along invading their airspace, they actually swoop down in front of your car. For a while I thought it could be bird suicide. It’s entirely possible that many birds hate life because their feathers aren’t pretty enough or they don’t fit in with the other birds. After several years I started to realize it must be a game. They sit on the phone lines waiting for a passing vehicle, snickering to themselves and daring each other to see who can swoop the closest. It’s not just the little birds who do this it’s the big ones too. It was only about a month ago I saw a vulture swoop down and almost get nailed by my friends car but the air current from his 100mph seemed to waft him out of the way.

Where are these birds parents? Is there no control? I have seen so many kinds of bird and vehicle collisions. I’m sure they know by now that if they collide with the grill of a car going 90mph their head will actually fall off (this was tested by my boyfriend). Now if they aim a little higher and hit the windshield there are a few options as to what can happen. They can either be ricocheted approximately 100 feet in the air (tested by a friend of mine) or an even worse fate. While at an autobody shop I was told I needed to see a car that was there. All I had been told was it had hit a bird. Big deal I thought, it’s probably just a bloody mess, that’s normal. Closer inspection showed me a windshield that had caved in like a reverse volcano with chunks of bird and feathers stuck to the perimeter of the hole. Wait…there’s a hole? I looked in the back seat to see portions of the bird (and I mean portions) in the back window. Egads! When will they ever learn?

While driving to work today I watched a bird dart in front of me, luckily I missed but I did realize I’ve been wrong all these years. It’s not bird suicide or a ridiculous game of chicken…it’s the bugs! Think about it, how many birds do you find stuck to the front of you car compared to the number of bugs? That is where the bugs hang out. Maybe bugs would rather have their asshole go through their brain on impact then be eaten by a bird. They’re sneaky little bastards. I mean do they even sleep? Never trust a bug. I bet they would take over the world if they could learn to stop getting hit by cars. Hell they probably know what they’re doing. They’re like suicide bombers, they know that if they sacrifice a few bazillion bugs it will downsize the bird population. I think they should redo their math if that’s the case. It’s natures little payback. Maybe bugs are just sick, they probably enjoy watching birds get demolished. All though, this doesn’t explain why so many other creatures get hit or why opossums jump up before impact rather securing their fate rather than ducking. I’m sure if I think about it long enough I’ll be able to come up with a logical solution for that as well.


At 4/19/06, 5:41 PM, Blogger Geeky Dragon Girl said...

Possums jump up because it's much more colorful to go SPLAT against a windshield than against a bumper. Too bad they never reach the windshield. Someone should tell them.

Oh, and hi! I had to check out your blog after 2 hilarious stories in a row. Snarting sister, heehee! Very cool profile photo BTW.


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