Sometimes my English to English translator quits working

So many times in my life I have heard things entirely the wrong way. Song lyrics are the most common ones. The song says "Our lips are sealed" not "Alex the seal" or "My angel in the centerfold" not "My anus is the center hole". Sometimes when submerging in conversations I do the same thing. I was once in the middle of cutting a gentleman’s hair when he said "Can I ask you a question?" as I have learned time and time again, if someone starts off a question with that sentence it is the sentence of death. Not only can you not turn down the question you are about to be asked but 9 times out of 10 it's going to be a bad question like "Do think it's working between us?" or "Will you go out with me?" when all you want to do is run away with your arms flailing. Ok, sure, how bad can his question be...then he said it "Is sister sex better wet?", my heart stopped. I knew it would be bad...just not that bad, and how did he know I have a sister? I took a long pause and with my head cocked to one side I said "excuse me?", "Do scissors cut better wet?".....oooooohhhhhh. Good thing my reaction time is slow or her probably would have got my clippers knocked up against the side of his head. With all this said, today I heard the girl in the cube diagonal to me pick up the phone and dial one of her clients. "Hi Mrs. Smith, my name is Julie from (yada yada)Mortgage company. I had sex with your husband last week."

She said SPOKE...SPOKE Emily, SPOKE! Get your damn mind out of the gutter! I think it's time to go home and whip out the ear candles and crack open a beer to get the image out of my head.
Ptewey!