I eat Jell-O for breakfast

Let me start by saying I am not the smartest person on the planet, hence my nickname StoopidGirl. I’m also not a good speller, I’m dyslexic and I am seriously lacking dexterity (just ask my forehead, it’s walked into many doorways). On the other hand I was breastfed and on occasion I talk to myself which studies have shown that means I’m 20% smarter than the average person (just don’t ask me what studies). My IQ test shows otherwise but I’ll save that for another day.

So today I find myself on the topic of stupidity and the human race for no particular reason other than I’m bored and can’t think of a better topic. I have met groundhogs with higher IQ’s then some people, so for some reason it doesn’t shock me that if you hook Jell-O up to an EEG, it registers movements virtually identical to the brain waves of a healthy adult. That’s right folks, you and a bowl of Jell-O have a lot in common. Fucking amazing aye?

Anyway, on to the Jell-O’s in my life and the things they have tried to convince me of. There is one Jell-O in particular who has had the audacity to argue with me on certain topics. Topics no Jell-O should. You will be wrong….you here me?! W-R-O-N-G!

First of all there’s Mini Coopers. Anyone who knows me knows that I belong to the cult of Mini owners, we are a different breed and take our “cute little clown cars” very seriously and will not hesitate to put you in your place shall you make a stupid comment like “Minis have no head room.” Are you kidding me? That’s like saying babies don’t poop in there diapers. Of course they poop in their diapers! I’m 5’10 and fit just fine, I also know a Mini owner who is 6’9 and you know what? His head doesn’t come close to touching. So Mr. Jell-O…you’re wrong! Wrong wrong wrong!

Second there is the topic of Energy drinks. I am the girl who drank Redbull for an entire month strait to prove to her bosses what it would take to accomplish the excessive tasks they had assigned, there for resulting in the restructuring of a bonus system and a big fat check in my pocket (thank you speed in a bottle). There are tons of energy drinks on the market; I’ve tried 99% of them (Including “Can-O-Whoopass”) and most are lightly carbonated. I was sitting in a room where someone was trying an energy drink for the first time and stated they didn’t like the flavor. My Jell-O advised him in an all knowing manor that it didn’t taste good because all the flavor had settled to the bottom and he was suppose to shake it before opening it. You know what? I think I’m going to go by an energy drink, shake it up extra good, hand it to Mr. Jell-O and state “How you like me now biatch! Tell me I’m wrong again….see where it gets you.”

Thirdly I was born in 1977, I grew up in the 80’s, Cindy Lauper was my idol, and I sang “We’re not going to make it!” instead of “We’re not going to take it!” by Twisted Sister every time I was late and running for the bus stop. I grew up in Maine, my town had a population of 764 people, we had nothing else to do with our time but get drunk and listen to music. I was, and still am an 80’s fan. So the last thing you should argue with me over is who sang a certain 80’s song especially if it’s the song “Warrior” by Scandal because that bitch was the shit. So for your information Mr. Jell-O the song was not sung by Pat Benetar and I garunfuckingtee that Pat and the chick from Scandal would kick your ass for even breathing those words. Next thing you’ know you’re going to try and tell me that Boy George sang “Like a Virgin”.

If you want to be a Jell-O then that’s fine, leave me out of it. I’ve had plenty of my own Jell-O moments but if I’m wrong I’m fine with that. Jell-O’s have an inherent nature to think that they are right even if it’s something that is purely factual and really cannot be argued.

“Bang bang I am the warrior”