Zit Remedy

Does anyone remember the television show Degrassi Jr. High where this kid
named Joey Jeremiah had a band called "Zit Remedy"? Well, I could use a little
Zit Remedy right about now. There are so many zits on my face even the
worlds best slalom skier wouldn't make it through alive. There is a virtual
battlefield brewing on the left side of my chin and I'm losing. I can just
hear their little voices "Sir! All men are present and accounted for. We
have back-ups coming in from the north. The Enemy doesn't stand a chance,
sir!"
I spent many years battling these little bastards and tried many different
remedies. You'd think at the age of 29 I would have grown out of this faze
of my life. But nooooo, not me. The texture of my skin is at the point where
Helen Keller would be excited because she would have a new novel to read.
Let's take a moment to explore the different forms of remedies I've tried:
*OCP (Obsessive Compulsive Picking or Popping); This is the one form I have
always used and continue to use daily. Unfortunately it doesn't really work
and once resulted  in my 7th grade crush telling me I had ketchup on my
chin.
*Clearasil Bar Soap; I don't know if it got rid of the zits but it gave me a
nice rosy rash all over my cheeks which could have easily landed me a
position as a sideshow freak or a clown.
*Skin colored zit concealor; The only thing this resulted in was looking
like I had smeared paste all over and dipped my face in Cornflakes cereal.
*Acne Free (Generic Po-Active); Much like the Clearasil Bar Soap it gave me
a similar reaction, like a very painful chemical peal. On the bright side,
the whole time I was scratching my face off with my fingernails I didn't see
a single zit. Unfortunately looking like a burn victim from a tanning salon
is not how I want to spend the rest of my days.

I wish It was as easy as starting a band and singing about zits...or being
Canadian for that matter. But, it's not. Once again I hold my job
responsible, it's the best form of  blame I can come up with. I demand
workers compensation! Or a cookie! Or my very own sweatshop filled with
little kids to make me a Sari complete with a full vale covering the
mountain range forming on my face which will become the newest natural
discovery since Jack Black brought King Kong to New York City.