$3,400 Ass Crack

Looks like that's the total cost to look at a big hairy crack. Last Friday I was doing laundry when I noticed my socks were soggy...the ones on my feet...not the ones in the washer. I've had all sorts of bad things happen to me in my life when it comes to home ownership and especially plumbing. Why can't it ever be simple? Why me? It's never anything small, small things just don't break for me; it's always big things. I came home once to a swimming pool in my kitchen that took 2 days to pump out after the water heater had been replaced. Twoooooo Days! Then a pipe burst in my bathroom wall. I know I've always wanted my own private waterfall, but not like that! As a result I didn't have a bathroom for a few weeks while they replaced the entire floor. I was in a one-bathroom house with 3 roommates, so we'll just say we invested in some Ziploc Baggies or the backyard, you do the math. Only once have I lucked out in one of these situations. My toilet backed up creating a horrendous site and smell. Nothing did any good, Liquid plumber didn't work and the little rooter thing didn't work either. When I broke down and called (dun dun dun) the Plumber, it turned out he just happened to be tripping on acid and was convinced he knew me, thus I only had to spend $140 on a new toilet. The psychedelic plumber came back on his lunch break and did the work for free. I can't say I've known anyone else have there plumbing done by someone who was tripping and telling stories about finding dead squirrels in toilets. My clog was not due to a poor misguided woodland creature, it was in fact caused by my deodorant that one of my roommates conveniently didn't remember knocking in the toilet. So here I am, staring at this mans crack waiting for the Mack daddy of all plumbing disasters. I am a woman who knows...I know there is a plumbing poltergeist and I know he follows me wherever I go. But this time I can't cover it, I don't have $3,400 to spend on the site of this mans butt cleavage. So what will become of me? Will I be forced to continue showering at our complex's pool area until the water fairy saves me? Will my beloved boyfriend do it himself? Will I inherit 50billion dollars from a relative I didn't know I have? Will I be forced into slavery or stripping? Will I sell my car?...stay tuned...only time will tell.