That ain't no Tofurky on my plate!

I am proud to say I just ate something that was probably warbling along quite merrily a few days ago, until THWAK! No more "gobble, gobble" for you! It's time to celebrate my thanks and I'm thanking you for being lower on the food chain, welcome to the holidays in America. For some reason this time of year we are happy to be killers. We kill birds, we kill trees and by the end of it we want to kill each other. All of this in the name of holiday spirit.

I have never been one for the holidays; I try to stay hidden until they've passed. I'm not sure why this is; I think my psychic abilities are warning me of the bad things to come. My friends always assume I'm being sad so they take it upon themselves to make me join in. One year I drank 4 glasses of hot apple cider only to find out it was spiked with a huge bottle of Rum via my friends’ mother. Another time I almost ran over a bloody hooker wandering in a daze down the middle of the street, and I don't mean bloody like the English use the term, I mean bloody like she really was bloody. On Christmas eve I once slept in the very rancid smelling public restrooms of our downtown area due to a flat tire, lack of cell phones during that time and nobody I knew the number for was at home or in town BECAUSE IT WAS CHRISTMAS! And then there was the time I spent with my friends' family of about 30 Jewish people getting my hand swatted for trying to eat desert to soon by her grandma, being one of the only non Jewish people there you are the instant comic relief of the group.

So on that note, I suppose I should step outside where the rest of the people I work with are enjoying their pre-thanksgiving meal provided by our company to see what kind of trouble I can get into this year. Tomorrow is a pie-eating contest. Weeeeee, I can't control my enthusiasm any longer.